Friday, June 13, 2014

It comes and it goes.
Now, when it comes I can control it...most of the time.
It's annoying.  It's irrational.
It's anxiety.

It started when I first began my job as a safety consultant.  The new job meant leaving my kids (which I had never done before) flying on a plane (which I hadn't done in ten years) going to new places and meeting new people.  My heart felt like it was going to beat so hard it would fall out of my chest.

I was diagnosed with anxiety.  I was also told that it would be short term and I would probably get over it.

It's gotten better, mostly, but at random times it floods over me in a way I can't control.  If our van makes a weird sound, it hits me.  If my husband and I get in a fight, it comes on.  Once I book my plane tickets for the next workshop, it generally doesn't stop until I'm done with the workshop itself...which can be weeks.

This week I had to go on a job.  I was nervous - and dealing with the normal mild anxiety that comes with every job.  But the day I flew out, Will (my youngest) had a temperature and was just feeling yucky.  I got on the plane with my heart beating like crazy.  I got to the hotel totally consumed.  I tossed and turned and finally fell asleep an hour before I needed to wake up because I was filled with these completely irrational thoughts about my son.  The anxiety took over.

I woke up in the morning, and quickly texted Dave.  He sent me a picture of my very well, hyper son who was obviously over whatever was going on the day before.  I was exhausted because I worried needlessly about something I had no control over.

It is one of the most frustrating things to be wrestling with anxiety when you know it's completely irrational.  So. Very. Frustrating.

I used to think people who dealt with this were weak, because quite honestly I didn't understand it.  I would like to think I am one of the strongest people I know.  I would love to not "be anxious about anything but in everything present my requests to God."

Everyone has something going on.