It comes and it goes.
Now, when it comes I can control it...most of the time.
It's annoying. It's irrational.
It started when I first began my job as a safety consultant. The new job meant leaving my kids (which I had never done before) flying on a plane (which I hadn't done in ten years) going to new places and meeting new people. My heart felt like it was going to beat so hard it would fall out of my chest.
I was diagnosed with anxiety. I was also told that it would be short term and I would probably get over it.
It's gotten better, mostly, but at random times it floods over me in a way I can't control. If our van makes a weird sound, it hits me. If my husband and I get in a fight, it comes on. Once I book my plane tickets for the next workshop, it generally doesn't stop until I'm done with the workshop itself...which can be weeks.
This week I had to go on a job. I was nervous - and dealing with the normal mild anxiety that comes with every job. But the day I flew out, Will (my youngest) had a temperature and was just feeling yucky. I got on the plane with my heart beating like crazy. I got to the hotel totally consumed. I tossed and turned and finally fell asleep an hour before I needed to wake up because I was filled with these completely irrational thoughts about my son. The anxiety took over.
I woke up in the morning, and quickly texted Dave. He sent me a picture of my very well, hyper son who was obviously over whatever was going on the day before. I was exhausted because I worried needlessly about something I had no control over.
It is one of the most frustrating things to be wrestling with anxiety when you know it's completely irrational. So. Very. Frustrating.
I used to think people who dealt with this were weak, because quite honestly I didn't understand it. I would like to think I am one of the strongest people I know. I would love to not "be anxious about anything but in everything present my requests to God."
Everyone has something going on.