This crazy kind of love...

Francis Chan, author of Crazy Love, came and spoke at church last month shortly before Thanksgiving.

He spoke on giving, from what God has given us, to show people the crazy love that God has for them.  I sat there inspired, and yet a little irritated.

Let me explain.

Here's this guy who is a renowned speaker, author and pastor.  He has money.  And he's able to do these amazing things for people...absolutely amazing things.  I found myself sitting in my chair thinking, "I would do those amazing things too if I had money like that."

And then I was reminded, in the stillness of that moment, of the story where the master gave his three servants money.  He gave one a bunch, one a reasonable amount, and one just a bit.  The man with a bunch multiplied his money as did the one with the reasonable amount.  But the one with just a bit, he just buried his money.  He did nothing with it.

This last year with all the financial struggles my family has gone through with this economy, I feel like I've been wrestling with God to give me more.  I feel like that third servant who has been so afraid to do anything with what God has given me in fear of squandering what I have.  I've struggled with my comfort, and allowing my desire for comfort to come before my service to God.

As I continued listening to Francis, I realized that I have been called to be faithful with what God has given me. No, we haven't been given tons of money.  But we have been given enough, and I was determined to use it to show others God's love.

So, on Thanksgiving the kids and I delivered cookies and brownies to firefighters, police officers and nurses who had to work on Thanksgiving instead of spending it with their families.  I decided to do this, because God has given me food - and the ability to bake.  And maybe, possibly, a warm cookie (and I must say my cookies are quite good) by a kind stranger might make their hearts softer towards the Lord.  I don't know, but I felt like it's what I could do - and so I obeyed.  And it was the most amazing Thanksgiving I have ever had.

Since then, my husband's job has become more in jeopardy as it looks like his company will be going out of business soon. My husband has also started getting sick again with a chronic illness that is very unpredictable.  And just a few weeks before Christmas.

Oh that comfort.  How my flesh so badly wants to grab whatever tangible thing I can and hold onto it for dear life.  But really, right now, the tangible things aren't seeming as important anymore.  The things I can't touch are what's seeming priceless - and even though my flesh is scared, I'm so amazed at God's crazy, crazy, CRAZY love for me, and I find peace in that.

People who I hardly know are calling me to minister to my family in ways that I haven't even spoken a need. My husband and I have had many moments the last few days where we just look at each other speechless on how God is providing for us.

And I know we are going to be ok.

And it makes me want to give from what God has given me.  I want to multiply what I have by giving it away.  I want so badly to be a good steward of what is in me that it is burning inside me.

So what does that look like for me?

You know that Christmas song, "The Little Drummer boy?"  There is a part where it says, "I'm just a poor boy too, I have no gift to bring that's fit to give the King, shall I play for you on my drum?"
God gave him the gift of music - and so he gave...

God gave me the ability to bake.  So I will give.

He's given me the ability to be kind.  So I will give.

He's given me hope.  So I will give.

He's given me love.  So I will give.

He has given me everything that I need - so I will give...and it may just be a smile, or an encouraging word, or a plate of cookies.  It may be a small gift, or a ride to a doctors appointment, or a warm meal.  But I can give - so that others can experience a taste of God's crazy love for them, because I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good and that He loves me, in a crazy kind of way.

Thanksgiving should not be the new Black Friday.

I am refusing to Christmas shop right now.

I so badly want to focus on Thanksgiving.

I don't want my kids, or me for that matter, to forget how to be thankful.

I don't want to go from wanting lots of candy straight to wanting lots of presents.

I want my kids to enjoy the month of November remembering what they have to be thankful for - hoping that it will create in them an attitude of gratefulness all year long.

And I am quite aware that most people have already started Christmas shopping, hunting for the best deals.  I too love a good bargain.  I know there will be thousands of people shopping before the sun has even thought to rise the day after Thanksgiving - and more power to you!

My hubby has worked in retail his whole career and from Black Friday to the first of the year is an insane time. We always gear up for it mentally, knowing that we won't see much of Daddy during those few weeks.

But this year, it's going to start earlier.

This year he has to work on Thanksgiving.

This year, before my kids will even be in bed from the days festivities, he has to go to work so that people can shop for presents on Thanksgiving.

I understand that times are tough.  I understand that businesses are trying to survive and figure out ways to make even more money.

But can't we as consumers stand up and say that we disagree with them taking time from employee's families on Thanksgiving just to make a little extra profit?

I just want to ask you - please don't support these businesses that are open on Thanksgiving.  Please don't go shopping Thanksgiving night...please wait till Black Friday to spend your money.  Please let these businesses know with your spending that we as a country still value family over stuff...over the best presents...over whatever?

Please be respectful and don't shop on Thanksgiving so that managers like my husband can send home his employees because they are so slow, so at least those people will get to spend the evenings with their families.

Let's spend Thanksgiving being thankful instead of thinking about all the things we want and feel we can't live without.

SLOW DOWN!!!

I love Fall.

It's my favorite.

The leaves changing, mulled cider candles, pumpkin everything.

This year, the kids and I decorated our porch for the first time.

We made a scarecrow out of leaves stuffed in bags and lovingly named him Frank.

We began a "Thankful Tree" at the beginning of Fall and try to put a leaf for each of us every day with something that we are thankful for written on it.

With the kids in Kindergarten now, it is crazy how I feel like the gas pedal of my life has just been pushed down a little harder and now, just like everyone said would happen, time is flying by.

On Halloween I was running around town looking for a plastic pumpkin for Luke and Emma's Halloween party at school.

I walked into Target with Lily and Will fully expecting all the Halloween stuff to be on clearance.  Not exactly.  There were about 15 Halloween things left and now, on the actual day of Halloween, Christmas music was playing and all the Christmas stuff was out.

I wanted to scream, "SLOW DOWN WORLD!"

What's our hurry?

Can't we just enjoy the day?  Can't we appreciate that there is another holiday in between Halloween and Christmas called Thanksgiving where we don't have to think about "I wants", but instead focus on the "I have's?"

Can't we treasure the day where our little ones dress up like butterflies and silly green turtles before we have to push them on to the next activity or big event?

And now, I feel like I'm holding on for dear life as life itself just hurries around me, pushing my babies to grow up...and I just want it to slow down.

So, as I walked through Target totally irritated that Marriah Carey was singing her Christmas music already, I just stopped and breathed deeply.  I looked into the dark brown eyes of my precious little Lily and smiled and told her she was the cutest little "Punky Dora" that I ever did see, and we continued on with our day.

Are you enjoying the moments...are you breathing deeply...are you treasuring every day?

Messy Love

I've been so willy nilly about the whole blogging thing as of late.  I know.

But with my whole new addiction to Pinterest, the twins starting Kindergarten, teaching Lily preschool and watching another kid two days a week (yes, really) I haven't found much time.

But today I couldn't put it off any longer.  I feel though I may explode.

Really, I have so much I could share:  My ponderings regarding my children being old enough to go to Kindergarten and beginning the road to independence (sigh), how I was almost brought to tears when a group of fifth graders were beyond kind to my son at open house on the playground, my children's monster like behavior at home since they started school (seriously, what's up with that?!)  I could share about things like how I've decided to embrace our tight budget as a blessing and am figuring out how to make the most of it with decorating my home.  Or how somehow, I'm not sure how, I am now helping coach track and field for kindergarten?  Yes...so much to blog about.  But alas, none of these would be the cause of why I feel though I may explode.

I've been a Christian since I was three.  I have had my mind set on things pretty firmly since I was pretty young.  I've known what was right, what was wrong and really that there was no need for grey anywhere. 

Black and white.

And if you have known me for any length of time, you will know that mercy, grace, compassion (all those really wonderful traits) are not on my short list of attributes.

Yet this year, I've just been getting hammered.

In a good way I suppose, but really even if the final result will be something amazing - every time I get hit by the proverbial hammer, it's painful.  But as I've been getting hammered, and refined this year with all the wonderful things that have been thrown our way - love has kept hitting me in my face.

And not the gooey kind of love.  Or the comfortable kind of love.  Or the neat and orderly kind of love.  But the messy kind of love.  The kind of love that drove Jesus to hang with tax collectors and prostitutes.  Messy love.

Now, I am certain that Jesus wasn't down with thievery and fornication (let alone for pay) but He still loved these people.  He still wanted to spend time with them, know them...He still found value in them.  In fact, He found so much value in them that He risked His reputation to be in their presence.

I am not like Jesus.

And if I actually look at myself objectively, I would admittedly be more like the pharisees - who were sinning and yet pointing the finger at everyone else...

So my heart has been changing.  And I have found myself surprising myself with how my thoughts have been playing in my head:  "No, as Christians we need to love them..."  "Um, no person with the angry bumper stickers on your car, Democrats haven't been the sole source of the degradation of our society..."  "Good for you President Obama for quoting scripture, actually, thank you..."  "No Christian radio, I don't think playing a montage of someone speaking as God to the 9/11 victims is appropriate..."  "What can I do, how can I practically show them the love God has for them?"

And it has really frustrated me lately because I am seeing more and more how we as Christians have forgotten that it's not us against them - that we were never instructed to surround ourselves with impenetrable walls so that no evil could get us. We were never told to protect ourselves in a little bubble and only talk and socialize with those who are of like mind.  We were never commanded to only love when it was nice and neat, and came in a pretty little Sunday morning package. 

Last time I checked, the Bible didn't say that we as Christians were better or smarter - yet I find that so many of "us" have consciously or unconsciously segregated ourselves.  And I know personally, that it's so easy to talk about talking about our faith - and yet, when I think about the last time I actually talked about my faith to someone who didn't share the same beliefs with me, my memory gets a little foggy.

Because that would entail vulnerability, humility, grace, compassion, mercy...a really messy kind of love.  Sharing with someone who didn't believe the way I do would require me to put aside my schedule, my routine, my comfort.

And here's the one that's been the hardest for to swallow...to say that quite possibly there is room for grey on some issues, that love really can conquer all (and only when it's not in my nice little Sunday package) and that sometimes people with completely different opinions on life may actually have valid points - is all a part of that messy kind of love.

On my newly beloved Pinterest, I saw a pin and it made me squirm when I read it.  It said these words:

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

THY HOMELESS NEIGHBOR
THY MUSLIM NEIGHBOR
THY BLACK NEIGHBOR
THY GAY NEIGHBOR
THY WHITE NEIGHBOR
THY JEWISH NEIGHBOR
THY CHRISTIAN NEIGHBOR
THY ATHEIST NEIGHBOR
THY RACIST NEIGHBOR
THY ADDICTED NEIGHBOR

When I read those words, I was instantly convicted.

Homeless neighbors scare me.  I lock my doors when I see them on the corners.  I don't love them.
Muslim neighbors...I struggle with that continuously since 9/11.
Atheist neighbors make me get on the defensive.  I instantly feel like they are attaching my mental fortitude for believing in God...I'm too busy being proud and arrogant to love them.

I could go on, but you get the point.

I want to love like Jesus loved.  I don't want to love only those who are politically minded like me.  Or spiritually minded like me.  Or family minded like me.

I want to love people because Jesus loves them.  And that should be enough.

Time to get messy.

My two cents...may not be worth much, but they are mine...

So, with the political climate heating up again - I figured I would put my two cents in...again. 

No, seriously, keep reading.

Most of my adult life I have been staunchly conservative.

Staunchly conservative as in not listening to anyone's opinion.

And I would like to mention at this point that I think almost EVERYONE on the right or the left is like that (regardless if they will admit it) but that's neither here nor there, just trying to lessen the blows I may take for writing this one...

But in the last five years my opinion has changed on much.

We bought a house.  5 years later it sold for 70,000 more than we bought it for.  Now, 3 years after our sale it is worth 40,000 less than what they bought it for.  Ouch for them, perfect timing for us.

Bush was president when we bought.  Bush was president when we sold.  Obama is president now.

3 years ago, Dave got a promotion for 25000 more than what he was making.  Now, he's back to what he was making before the promotion.

Bush was president when he got the promotion.  Obama is president now.

5 years ago, Dave got a job based on experience and was paid accordingly.  Now, Dave doesn't get jobs because of his experience and is paid significantly less than "accordingly," because we are desperate.

Bush was president then.  Obama is president now.

5 years ago, my mom was getting free home health care through medicaid.  Now she has to pay a significant portion of her very fixed budget to have home health.

Bush was president then.  Obama is president now.

And then there is the abortion card.  I just can't change my mind on that one.  It's biblical.  And whether or not you agree with me, I believe it's murder...not a choice.  Moving on...

Anyway - but here we go...

5 years ago our family had private health insurance.  It wasn't phenomenal but it covered us enough for 350 a month.  Then Dave got sick.  In order for him to get health insurance now (since even his group plans) won't cover pre-existing conditions, he would have to buy a "special" plan for about 500 a month...in addition to what our family would pay for the rest of ours.

Obama's health care plan, from what I understand, would be the closest thing we will come to with having an affordable option for Dave.

When we had Will, he had to be life flighted to Spokane and spend 2 weeks in the hospital.  Had we not been on medicaid, the bills would be insurmountable.

All those liberal programs that Dave and I both wrote off as "just for lazy people," have kept us afloat and surviving through this time...and Dave and I are anything but lazy.

In an ideal world, Dave would have a job that would pay him accordingly so that we wouldn't have to utilize those programs and health care would be offered to everyone - especially those who desperately need to be under a doctors care.

However, our world is not ideal.  And our country is financially screwed up...I get that.  But, now that I understand the importance of all the liberal programs for people, the social aid of it, being a help when you need it and not misused as a crutch - I'm torn.

So, I see benefit from both sides of the line.  But really,are any of our politicians focusing on the issues or are they just focusing on their opinions? 

A few months ago in Idaho they were having some pretty heated debates over education.  Night and day between the liberal opinion and their facts versus the conservative opinion and their facts.  I even wrote our conservative politicians in Idaho to get more information so I could be actually informed and I was treated rudely and as a nuisance because I asked questions.

So, are we actually wanting to solve the problems or are we just wanting to be right and hold power?

Because, this will be the first time, when we reelect, that I will purposefully not vote for a republican because they chose to be shady and rude when asked about facts.

Politicians work for the people, well, at least they are supposed to.  I wish they would stop pushing agendas and solve problems...on both sides.

That, and keep babies alive.

The end.

Hauling Dirt and Building Foundations

So, there's this piece of land by my gym that I pass everyday.

Okay, most days.

Fine, I haven't been there in a week and I'm eating a huge candy bar as I type this...don't judge.

Regardless, a huge piece of land across the street from the gym.  This piece of land is supposed to be the future home of a grocery store that once it is here I will not understand how I lived without it and its bulk bins of spices.

But, nothing has been happening.

For awhile, the dozers and excavators and all those big machine type things were working away.  And then nothing.  Just recently, they started moving again...but let's be honest.  Really, they are just moving dirt from one part of the land to the other part of the land.

No progress.

Quite honestly, I've given up on this amazing store and their bulk spice bins ever being in my town.

However, as I was driving by the land (and the gym as well, presumably doing something much more enjoyable) the other day, I glanced over and then something occurred to me.

That land is a lot like my life.

See, I have this time table for my life...this plan.  And I want things done in a certain amount of time.  I also like them done without hiccups and issues.  And then, when my plans, my time tables, don't pan out - I get frustrated.  I write it off.  I count it as failure.

But the other day when I saw that land, I realized it's not failure.  It's not all for not, they are building the foundation.  Making sure it is straight and level.  They are taking their time to make sure it is done right (because really, do bulk bins of spices deserve anything less?)  Now, I know that construction was halted for a while.  Nothing moved.  No ground was excavated.  By all accounts, the land stood in pause.

See, God is building a foundation in my life.  Sometimes, I feel that by this point on my time table, I should have a sky scraper standing on the figurative land of my life.  But more often than not, I feel like I'm having dirt moved from one side of me to the other.  No progress.  No movement.  And yet there is.

God's making sure I have a good foundation.

I'm quite certain that there has been possibly a nice little house built once or twice on the foundation of my life, but it gets torn down. 

By me.

And my little time table and plans and fits and tantrums.

And I'm quite certain that in that time when there was nothing happening on that land, there was someone, somewhere fighting for the future store to be built.  In the same way, when I feel like nothing is happening in my life, something is happening - just not for me to see.

I'm learning this year how to be patient.  I'm learning to accept that God's time table is much more accurate than my time table.  And I'm resting, or tying to rest...ok, really I'm crying like a baby who doesn't want to rest, but I'm trying to rest in the fact that God's ways really are better than my ways.  And I'm trying, with all my might, to not get impatient with the building of the foundation.

Because really, if bulk spice bins deserve it - how much more do I deserve a strong foundation...on the rock.

God's timing: Kindergarten, job hunts, and having babies

I love God's timing.

Ok, really, that was insanely sarcastic.  Because actually, most times, I don't.

I, as you all know, would like things to be neatly done on my schedule...right.on.time.

How many of you remember this post? What to do, what to do?  Remember?  The nice little fertility office called and asked what my plans were - and I was freaking out over what to do.

Well, let me sum it up for you.

We transferred them.  We signed all 479 papers to have the two embryos transferred one floor up in the same building so as to avoid making an actual decision about what to do with them, and signed another little paper that we would provide payment promptly.

Then that whole God's timing thing...

We then started our worse economic year of our marriage to date.

So they never got paid.

Nice, I know.  But while they are being "babysat" in a freezer, we have four warm ones running around like crazy needing to be fed and clothed CONSTANTLY...and they take precedent.

And then we got a letter.

"Your embryos will be discarded if we don't receive payment."

Great.  But we have no money.  We have no viable option to pay them.  So I do nothing and pray that God's will be done (Which is totally an easy prayer when there is no viable option other than God doing His thing.)

Then we receive another letter about a month later saying they are going to send us to collections over it.

Great.  We have no money.  Now we are going to get harassing phone calls about paying for our frozen babies.  But, we have no viable option to pay them.  So I do nothing and pray that God's will be done...again.

Then we receive another letter saying, "Please sign your renewal contract for the storage of your 2 embryos until August 2012, with an additional 350 dollars in addition to the 475 you owe us from last year."

Great.  They didn't throw them away.  Praise God.  But, we have no money.  So I do nothing and pray that God's will be done...again.

But then, I did it.  I called an embryo adoption center...because let's face it - I'm just as overwhelmed as I was when I first posted about this (except Luke hasn't driven the van recently) and financially another kid or 2 more kids for that matter right now would just not be smart (by all worldly standards, right?)

As I spoke to them, they informed me all about how embryo adoptions are open adoptions now.  Our embryos would be mixed with other embryos and if ours took they would let us know after the baby(ies) were born and we could get pictures, even have visitation...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I would go to jail.  I would kidnap my child.  I don't care if it is June Cleaver parenting my kid- seeing my children's pictures calling someone else Mommy?

What would happen if when they turned 18 they showed up and saw our family, the 6 of us, and wondered why they weren't good enough to keep?  We are a happy family.  We aren't in crisis.  We love our children with all of our hearts - we would just have to tell them that 6 kids were just not part of the, well, our plan - and that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason.

So, then the head guy of the cryobank (the place that's babysitting the embryos) calls me and leaves a message to call him back immediately.

Nice.  Now, I can't avoid any longer...

So, I sit down with Dave.  We discuss.  No easy words.  And after two hours of heartfelt communication, we finally made our decision - the only decision that we felt would be honoring to God...as crazy and irresponsible it may seem to the whole world.

We are going to have the embryos transferred...to me.

I called the guy.  I told him the truth.  I had been avoiding him.  He nicely agreed to a payment plan until we get our tax return (GOD, PLEASE BE A BIG TAX RETURN)  and paid them off in full...and our monthly payment is 75.00

There goes that God's timing thing again.

School is about to start.  School supplies, school clothes, school shoes - I'm overwhelmed people.

Dave is frantically looking for another job that will be more stable (since we all know how well bookstores are going right now) and we are quite literally living from paycheck to paycheck.  And now, we have 75 dollars going out extra each month.

Ok, God.  Your will be done...(which is quite an easy prayer when you have no other viable option)

And then a friend calls me and asks if I will watch her son when school starts - FOR PAY!

Prayer answered.

Dave and I just looked at each other in shock. 

God provided.

Then, we went to Luke's best little buddy's birthday party yesterday.  The paperwork is on our counter.  We have to send him 75.00 this week (before the next paycheck) and although my desire for comfort is still there, I'm learning how to be content with God's plan...no matter how uncomfortable it is.  All of a sudden my friend (who was hosting the party) handed me 200.00 saying it wasn't from her, she was just a messenger.

Prayer answered.

When I handed Dave the money last night he looked at me with a questioning look.  I told him what had happened.  He looked at me in shock.

God provided.

So, here we are.  God provided again - in such miraculous ways, like He has done over and over again this year as we have been hit so hard economically.

We have no idea how we are going to pay for the actual transfer (about 5000.00) but we are confident that we have finally made the best, the right, the only decision we could make...and give them a chance at life - and we are just as confident that God will somehow, how crazy and uncomfortable it may be, provide for that to be done.

The thought of 5000 dollars right now is beyond comprehension.

The thought of the possibility of two more children, making us a family of 8, is unimaginable to me - especially since I have shouted from the rooftops since Will was born, "I AM DONE WITH HAVING CHILDREN!"

The thought of brand new school clothes for my kids seemed impossible and now, we have a pile that keeps growing as other families are blessing my family, and humbling us greatly.

The thought that we would make it 5 months without income seemed ridiculous.  And now in hindsight, I see how God worked miracles the entire time, providing and sustaining our family.

And after that...after being so freshly aware of God's greatness when we succumb to the fact that God is always the only viable option...after that, 5000 dollars doesn't seem so insurmountable.

Two more kids doesn't seem so overwhelming (although I will need prayer for my mental health) when I am made so aware of how God loves me and the 4 kids we have so much - that I am confident that how much more He will take care of us when there are, possibly 2 more.

I don't know what lies ahead...I think I'm done making plans since they never seem to go the way I planned.  But what I do know is that God is the only viable option, and He will provide.

Do you know that?