The effects of control, the cancer of anger

The phone call has still not come.  "This weekend" meant today at 5 not yesterday at 8 am.  Nice.

You may be asking, "What phone call?" Well I will tell you friends...

Dave has been at a job that has been like death less than ideal for a little over a year.  He took the position because he is a good man who likes to feed his family, right now we are eating lots of hot dogs (thank you coupons), but regardless...he puts food on the table.  But today we should be hearing if he gets this job that would, well, could be really good for our family.

And I'm not patient.  And I'm not in control of what's happening here.  And folks, I have been realizing lately, that I, yes I, am a control freak.

Aren't we all control freaks to some degree?  Ok, maybe I am just trying to get some support here by grouping you all into my little dysfunctional huddle...but regardless.  This control thing is out.of.hand.  Seriously.

Confessional time:

I have been blowing up lately.  Like seriously getting angry.  Like gross angry.  I have been behaving like that mom you look at in the store and say to yourself, "wow, they should really make people get a license before they can reproduce."  However, God has been graceful and I have only been primarily like this at home.  Phew! 

Now in defense of me, I must say: My children have been the most challenging they have ever been recently.  Challenging.Little.Monsters.  Bedtime that has never been a struggle in our home, ever - bedtime at 6:30 for 4 years without any resistance...now is a fight EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and they aren't falling asleep till at least 9.  My kids who Dave and I were getting pretty well trained at obeying us the first time are now pretty much deaf and lame until at least the seventh time we tell them something.  And if this attitude that we are getting now is just a foreshadowing of what life will be like in ten years then we are screwed in trouble.

Ok, but with that said...Stepping in gum is reason to be frustrated.  A broken jar of sauce is reason to be annoyed.  Children who are deaf and lame until the seventh time you say something is reason to be irritated.  But not reason to all out go and blow up.  Yes, it's been pretty here at the Sharon home. 

So, I thought to myself, "Melissa, why are you getting so angry?  Why are you blowing up like this about stuff that is, well, stupid?"  I knew it wasn't the actual offenses that were making me so angry, so I thought and thought and was quite introspective.  And then I realized it.  I'm blowing up because I don't feel like I'm in control.  I am not in control of their behavior, their actions, really, anything that they think or feel.  My children, just like me, are free willed human beings.  I can guide and direct, but when it's all said and done...they are in control of themselves.  Darn free will.

And so when I say, "Go to bed" and they get out of bed continuously for two plus hours, instead of being just irritated or frustrated I have been getting all out fiery mad.  But I'm not really mad that they are getting out of bed (totally and completely frustrated and annoyed) I'm furious that I can't control them.  I can discipline them.  I can give them consequences for their behavior.  But I can't control them.

Not good news for this control freak.

And discipline and consequences are not matching the offenses right now because I'm operating in my anger which is a HUGE no no.  So they aren't effective, and all I'm doing is pushing my children to not want to obey me. 

I don't want my children to be compliant out of fear, I want them to be obedient out of love.

But I need to not punish out of anger, I need to discipline out of love.

Blast you personal development.

So, I need to relinquish my control.  I need to right a consequence chart so I will not stray from it and operate in anger and my kids will know what to expect. 

I need to be consistent in my discipline so my children won't think that maybe this time they will get away with it.

I need to pray that God will soften their hearts and somehow bless them with obedient spirits.

But most importantly, I need to give up being in the driver seat of my life.  I like driving.  I should know by now that being in the driver seat only ends up in huge accidents, but I just keep ripping that steering wheel away.  I have to allow God to be in control. 

I have to allow God to be God.  Because I suck at being God.  And I need to stop getting so angry when I am confronted with the reality that I suck at being God.

Sorry, I keep rambling, but this has been days of thought so bare with me...

And I know there are other moms out there, possibly even some of you readers, who deal with anger as well.  A dear friend of mine who I adore and admire, who has the sweetest spirit, just told me that she deals with anger as well.  And I think it's sad that we feel so restricted at how honest we can be amongst each other, while struggling with things as big as this.  I have to get this under control for the health of my family, and I think keeping it a secret will just allow it to control my life. 

When you have a cancer you have to seek help to heal it...maybe being honest with our struggles is the first step. 

Ok, I'm done now.  I'm off to finish the rest of my day in a non controlling, non anger sort of way.