I am God and you are not

Do you journal?

I used to.  Well, I never "journaled" per say but I did have a book that I wrote prayers to God in.  Completely honest, transparent, vulnerable.

I don't anymore. 

For various reasons - but mainly, because I don't find time.  I suppose that this blog, on occasion is like my journal replacement...except it's not ever completely transparent and vulnerable. 

Today, well ok, this week has been a rough one.  I just feel like I'm in a fog, haven't lost any weight this week (which then lends itself to overindulging in crap that I shouldn't even have in my house), been incredibly impatient and just really short-tempered.  Yes folks, it's been pretty here at the Sharon homestead.

The other night though I went on a long power walk (to the grocery store to buy Dave a Hershey's chocolate bar...so wrong on so many levels) and decided to use that time to pray. 

And as I was pouring out my heart to God and telling Him all the reasons that I'm a failure, I felt like God whispered to my heart, "I am God and you are not.  I am in control and you are not.  I have called you to this, don't question me."

Awesome.  So if you have been reading this for awhile, then you probably no I'm a bit of a control freak.  I like to have things planned out, I show up early and like things to be easily successful.  Any less than that, and I have failed (ok, I sound like a total dread to be around, but I promise it's not that bad.)  So, sitting back and letting God be God and just reconciling that I will NEVER be in control and no matter how many excuses I have for not being good at what I do, God will continue reminding me that it was His choice to have me do it is anything but easy, or enjoyable for me.  But I must.

Then I realized that this is meant to be a purposeful blog.  Not just a recounting of my chaotic days, but one that will encourage and inspire other moms in this journey.  So, I do need to be vulnerable (yuck!) and transparent (gross!) and put it out there.

1.  We transferred the embryos.  We have to pay 450 dollars to have them stored for a year.  Who knows what will happen at the end of the year, so don't ask because the whole thing still makes me want to puke.  But regardless, 450 bucks.  May I remind you, Dave just transferred jobs (which means a pretty nice break in pay for awhile), we just had to buy a not-so-ghetto mobile that has a nice little payment (I know Dave Ramsey people, I have sinned) and my camera was broken by a cute and perfect little boy and had to be replaced promptly since he decided to start trying to walk and I have to have it captured forever on film.  So 450 is not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but right now?  450 is completely out of the question.  "So what happens if you don't pay them," you ask.  They throw them away.  They have extended the time period for me to pay them (thank you Lord) but are anxiously awaiting payment to, let's just say "babysit" them for a year. 

Ok God, you are in control - you gotta provide the money.

2.  I can't stop getting angry and frustrated and screaming like a crazy person raising my voice.  Ok, "I can't" are not the right words...I don't know how is probably the better way to put it.  Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Well, obviously I'm not looking to Him for strength through this, because I keep failing.  Miserably.  And I don't want my kids to remember me screaming and always being on edge, yet I fear that will be the imprint on their memories of their mommy. 

Ok God, you called me to this and I'm not a failure, and you will help me conquer this.

3.  I can't lose weight.  Ok, shut up Melissa.  I have lost 4 pounds already in a little over a week.  Why am I sulking?  Because if there is one day or week that goes by and I don't lose weight, I have failed and might as well give up.  How do I do this people?  Seriously, how do I do this?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I have to lose weight for myself, for my husband, for my kids, for my future grandkids.  And I know the longer I put it off and keep failing at it, the harder it will be to get it off.  WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY!!!!!

Ok God, once again, you are God and you have called me to this and I'm not a failure and you will help me conquer this. 

But how?  I want to see the plan right now.  I want to know what's in store right now.  I want to know if I'm ever going to fit into those pants ever again, or if I will ever have a day where I don't raise my voice to ungodly decibels.  Can't I just know right now that I will succeed?  Wait, let me put that honestly.  Can't I just succeed right now?

And then I am reminded that one of the fruits of the spirit is patience.

And once again:  Ok God, you are God and you have called me to this and I'm not a failure and you will help me conquer this.