I screwed up today.
Today, I turned 30 and I wanted to feel special as I am beginning a decade that I hope and pray is amazing in so many ways.
But I didn't.
Instead, I was greeted with an early morning dose of tantrums, fighting, whining and the loving, "I DON'T LIKE YOU's" by my three year old and other kids.
When nap time came, I, as lovingly as I could, begged them/commanded them/threatened them to take a nap. I so badly wanted to start the day over, and when we all awoke from our nap we could have a "do over" and maybe the second half of my day would be way better. But nap time didn't happen.
Even my little one, who usually doesn't have a choice, figured how to climb out of his crib though it's on the lowest setting it can be on...and he proceeded to do this AT LEAST 20 times.
Nap didn't happen. A do over didn't happen. Instead, the children and I became monsters - screaming and yelling, crying (my tears) and saying words that will probably not soon be forgotten.
I was so angry. The first day of my new decade was ruined.
I know, sounds a bit idealistic. But here's the thing. This stupid anger I struggle with, that I so badly wanted to have a hold on by this birthday, reared its little angry head. This whole yelling thing, that I hate so vehemently, and wanted to be rid of by this day, presented itself bigger than ever. Really, quite honestly, the whole sin thing that I so badly wanted to have surrendered to God and thrown so far into the sea of forgetfulness that I didn't even remember how to sin, was still there.
And this was how I was starting off my new decade...the one that everyone keeps telling me I am going to love.
I won't go into details about my failure today. But it was sin. It was ugly. And the tears I was crying, when I think about it a little less emotionally, were more for my disgust at my behavior and not as much about the frustration with my children's behavior. Today was rough.
But now, my kids have been asleep for two hours. I ate dinner. Dave reassured me that I was in fact NOT the worst mom on the planet. And some of my favorite people called to tell me that they loved me.
And as I was about to head upstairs to bed, thinking about how tomorrow will begin with an apology to my kids for my horrible behavior today, I realized that today was a God send. Today was a fantastic way to start out my new decade, because today served up a wonderful reminder (regardless of how painful it was) that I am in desperate need of God.
I forget that often.
I am in desperate need of God.
I used to think that God was there, God was cool, but really, it was about me. What I had was based on my abilities, my efforts, my talents, my hard work. My life and actions, although I loved God, came from a really arrogant heart.
Now though...oh now, I have realized that what I have and who I am is all because of who He is. I touched on this in my last post, but let me say it again:
I am who I am because He is who He is.
I have four kids because He miraculously blessed me with four children. I am married to a good man who loves the Lord, because God showed me grace. We have a good marriage, because of Him...not because of us. Dave has a job because God provided him one.
And when I operate on my own accord, it almost always is a train wreck sooner or later - and today that train had wrecked quite early and kept piling up and up and up.
I need God...desperately.
So, here's to my 30's. And here is to tomorrow, a day full of forgiveness and new beginnings...and a day of being mindful that I need God...desperately.