I saw the status update on Facebook. The sermon title of what we would be hearing that night.
I squirmed in my chair. Without even hearing the actual message, I felt convicted. I knew that I needed to hear it, but it would be uncomfortable.
It was on anger.
They said there were three types of angry people - the spewer, the stuffer and the leaker. The spewer explodes and is out of control. The stuffer never lets anything out, and become a doormat of sorts. And the leaker, the passive aggressive, way sarcastic sort of person who won't ever actually admit they are angry.
I am the spewer.
I've mentioned it on this blog a few times, my anger, wanting to be over it so badly - wanting it to not have a foothold in my life - wanting it to not affect my relationships. And yet it lingers.
Usually at our church, we don't do raising of hands for decisions - if you want prayer, you go forward. But tonight, they asked for people to raise hands if they were struggling with this. I knew in that moment that if I didn't, I would be lying to myself...and purposefully not taking an opportunity to deal with it.
This whole thing has actually been something I've been wrestling with the last few weeks.
I think that it is so easy to condone sin. To make it alright. To make it normal. To make it so acceptable we don't actually notice it any longer as sin, but instead just a normal way of life.
I know I have...condoned, excused, justified my sin.
But a few weeks ago, reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan I was reminded that God doesn't condone, excuse or justify my sin. He hates it.
He hates my sin.
Therefore, if I love Him (which I do) I should hate my sin too.
But I don't really. Although I know it's gross at times, I've grown quite comfortable with it. Though the guilt lasts for a bit after I sin, the effort that goes into not sinning is overwhelming.
My closest friend, a mom as well, and I laugh when we "confess" our screw ups to each other. "Oh boy, what now?" or "Just another day in paradise...." I think that I need to make sure that my heart is in the right place. There is a fine line between condoning sin and offering grace. And as super spiritual as I would like to make myself sound, I definitely find myself condoning sin more than I find myself giving grace filled wisdom.
I'm so glad that God's love surpasses His hate of my sin. I'm so thankful that Jesus died so that my nasty, disgusting mistakes that I make so frequently wouldn't be on my shoulders the day I stand before God. But out of love and adoration to God, I should look on my sin the way He does...and stop accepting it, stop shrugging my shoulders and giving up my efforts to change - but instead, change, repent, be made new.
I don't want to ignore my sins any longer, because although it is messy when you take what's done in the darkness into the light - what could happen if it stays in the dark could be a catastrophe. I'm not perfect, but Jesus loves me, God forgave me and I'm moving forward.
Do you have some "secret" sin that you are struggling with? Do you have a struggle that you are condoning, justifying, reasoning with yourself about? Do you need to have a heart change regarding your sin - and instead of accepting it, hating it and turning away from it?
Are you ready to raise your hand?