Ya, that was me

I registered Luke for tee ball today.  Sort of a weird feeling having my boy playing baseball; I'm not really embracing this whole "growing up" thing all too well.  So, I loaded my kids in the van to drop off the form that of course is only one day away from being too late at city hall.  Luke was sporting his Spiderman costume (of course), Emma was in her dress and an apron (whatever floats your boat) and Lily was of course covered in dirt from head to toe (inevitable with that child.)  It has been a couple weeks since anyone has been sick so Will volunteered this time and had a nice flow of snot coming from his nose.  Me - well, I've been going full steam ahead since 4:45, so you can only imagine how I look!

As we dropped off the form, Luke who apparently thought we were going to play tee ball was quite angered that we were just dropping off a form.  So, I came up with a grandiose idea to divert his attention that we would go on an adventure to find treasure.  Ya, I'm that bright.

So, yes that was me with the super hero, chef, dust ball and asthmatic baby walking around downtown collecting pinecones, grass, rocks, sticks and flowers for our treasure hunt.  And you are welcome for telling Emma no when she asked if the park was a forest (because she had to go to the bathroom, and has an affinity for peeing on the ground since her first hike back in April and has deemed anything a forest if it needed to be such as the high school football field, a public park, etc.)  So, yes that was also me running to the closest bathroom with the super hero, chef, dust ball and asthmatic baby just in time before we had a catastrophic accident in yet another public park.

That was also me who had the wonderful idea of taking my kids to the store at 5:00 pm (only the busiest time of day) to make our own healthy popsicles out of yogurt.  And yes, that was my two year old dust ball who decided that throwing the yogurt at the checker would be a fabulous way of helping.  It only exploded a tiny bit.  The checker showed me mercy and still accepted my coupon off of six even though now I only had five.

We put all of our treasures into groups, counted each one and learned about nature.  We made our yogurt popsicles that I informed the kids they were more than welcome to have for breakfast tomorrow.  We even learned why talking with mean words makes people feel yucky (thank you group of young girls who decided every other word out of your mouth would be a four letter one.)  Luke got to see some boys play baseball and they even gave Luke a ball to keep.  And I got to see Emma stick up for her sense of style to all the girls who sneered at her apron - and then after her explanation all really wanted one.

We had fun today, just the five of us.  My kids were exceptionally good and followed instruction wonderfully (you never know with four little ones) and bed time was a breeze.  Today was a good day.  A full day, but a good one.  I like good days.  I'm certain that life is just better when you are having fun living it.  Now to come up with a genius idea of what to do with all of our forest treasures...anyone, anyone?

Smile, nod and slowly back away...

I have always been an honest person, and even when I have tried to sugarcoat the truth or hide how I really feel the truth is written plainly all over my face. 
This has been a characteristic that has won me favor with a lot of people, and caused me great trouble with others.  I'm not a phony person.  Often times I wish I had the ability to be thinking one thing but be able to smile and nod and slowly back away.  Instead, I - so full of tact - stand there with a "you've got to be kidding me" expression on my face just long enough to offend the person receiving it.  I know it is a shortfall and unfortunately, as hard as I try, I have yet to overcome it. 
Let's put it this way:  I am not the friend you come to when you just got a bad haircut to tell you it looks great.  I am, however, the friend who will give you the number of someone who can fix the haircut for you.
With that said, I am constantly aware of my inability to hide my feelings regarding people.  Try as I may, there are just some people that I just don't like.  I don't think God wants us to like everyone, but I know that God wants us to love everyone.  And the way that translates into real life?  I'm still figuring it out, but maybe it looks like how I feel about cats - I don't want to be around them, I don't want one as a pet but I don't want them to be hurting, hungry, cold or sick (I would just rather someone else tend to them.)  Ok, that's totally not biblical, but I'm still growing in maturity spiritually - just being honest.
Along with not being able to be tactful or discreet regarding my feelings most times my other shortcoming is compassion and mercy.  I'm definitely not the person you come to when you are totally screwing up for an encouraging word.  I will, however, tell you that what you are doing is totally wrong and that you are screwing up your life and hurting people around you - there's that honesty thing again.
Where is all this going?  Good question - I'm getting there, be patient (another one of my not so developed qualities)!  Recently I was around someone who I, well let's just say, am not the biggest fan of.  And OF COURSE they enforced all the reasons that I am not a big fan.  And yes, my kids were present (which, really, when aren't they?) and yes, they were watching me and what I did and said...because They. Are. Always. Watching.  So when this person decided to show all their wonderful attributes (sense the sarcasm?) I grinned and walked away before my face could do all the talking for me.  I didn't open my mouth, I didn't tell them what I really thought, I didn't even take a second in that place to contemplate a response.  I just walked away.  It was hard, let me be honest.  Melissa, who I really am, would much rather have stood there and explained to them all the reasons that I am justified in feeling this way regarding them.  Ya, ya, I know - it's totally not biblical...but human, and there is that whole maturing work in progress thing.
My kids are doing this new thing which drives me crazy where when they get mad they yell, "I don't want to be your friend anymore!" or "You hurt my feelings, I don't like/love you (depending on the offense)"  or "I don't want to be around you anymore."  It irritates me so much, and often more than the offense that spurred the comment, because words can be so hurtful and when we speak from our emotions, we often don't think about our words until it's too late.  Kids are resilient - but not always, and you never know when that hurtful word is going to be the one that really cuts deep.  I've been working on that with them, without much success, but slowly but surely.
As I was walking away, inside I was screaming, "I don't want to be around you anymore!  I don't like you anymore!"  Inside, I was jumping up and down clenching my fists wanting to stomp my feet and throw a fit because I had been wronged.  In that moment, I understood my children.  I realized that the only difference between them and me in that moment is I understand what is socially acceptable and unacceptable for that matter.  I understand discretion - although often times, it proves quite difficult.
The other thing that they have recently started is tattling which drives me just as crazy, because with four kids I am inevitably being tattled to CONSTANTLY.  I really want them to solve their problems among themselves.  I don't want to consistently be dragged into the middle of their routine squabbles to listen to even more whining.  So my new automatic response to all the tattling is, "figure it out."  But what did I do in that moment?  I walked straight to Dave and tattled to him like a four year old.  I told him all the reasons that I was wronged and was innocent.  Dave, due to all of his managerial experience, is much better at keeping his mouth shut while hearing complaining.  But I knew I was acting like a child.
So, as I was processing the whole dumb situation, I realized something.  My kids aren't acting badly when they scream and shout and tattle.  They are being completely and utterly human.  They don't know social norms. They don't understand discretion and restraint.  Yet.  I am, like I said earlier, working with them on it.  I am trying to teach them the art of being discreet and restraining themselves (which after writing this, maybe Dave should be the teacher on that one).  They are growing and maturing and learning, constantly - as am I, apparently.
I am really trying to be more Christ like, and as I'm succeeding in some areas I am reminded how far I have to still go in others.  I know my kids will get it, eventually and I know I will too God willing.  In Phillippians 1:6 it says, "...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  I'm definitely being stretched in my feelings towards cats as we apparently have a new OUTSIDE stray pet cat who has been named Susan.  Who knows, maybe God will start stretching me in my feelings towards this other person.  I would have said, "ya right" but I just put a dish of water out for a cat.  Miracles never cease.

Be careful little eyes what you see....

I'm not exactly sure when our kids went from being too young to understand anything "grown up" that we were talking about to requiring us to spell out almost every conversation we have.  I'm not sure when the precise moment was that they began to process and mull over what they heard us talking about in passing.  I suppose that moment doesn't really matter all too much now, but we are definitely on the other side.  Our kids hear EVERYTHING.  They see EVERYTHING.
Being a good example is something I suppose we strive for continuously, right?  Or at least we say we do, so we can feel good about our parenting.  We tell our kids to be kind, to share, to be honest, to be hard workers.  We try to emulate these characteristics so that they have an example of what we are trying to teach them right in front of their faces at all times - but let's be honest, we fall short.  A lot.
The other day, my husband was called into work on his day off, which I mentioned in my earlier post I was not too happy nor feeling very kind towards the people involved in the situation.  Dave's days off are almost sacred to me.  It's two days all week where I feel I'm not outnumbered so badly and I get to have adult companionship and conversation.  Ok, I know I sound a bit possessive, but seriously - it's the closest thing to a break I get that I don't have to pay for!  Anyway, back to the subject...
Before he left for work, we were all able to sit around the table and have lunch together.  All the kids had just woken up from nap and weren't aware that Daddy was going to have to go to work.  Dave broke the news to them.  The kids, especially Luke, were very upset.  The "why's" began to come at us at a speed we couldn't keep up with and then I stuck my foot in my mouth.  I said, "Dave, you should just have told them you were sick."  Good Melissa - be totally angry, selfish and in your sin go ahead and sin some more and lie.  Totally awesome!  Of course not thinking about what I said until I said it and then desperately wishing I could take my words and eat them - a whole other flood of "why's" began to flow.  Dave gave me this, "what were you thinking" look as he began to field all the questions.
Luke asked why the employee called in sick.  He asked why Daddy needed to go in because that employee called in sick - which were all valid questions, that I myself was wondering.  He then asked, "Daddy, why don't you say you are sick?"  Great - I have encouraged my son to be a liar.
Dave responded with such wisdom.  "Luke, we work hard because God wants us to work hard.  I am responsible and if I call in sick it's only because I'm really sick.  And when I'm really sick, I just lay in bed all day.  It's no fun.  We are honest - we don't even lie when it's the easier way out."  The kids looked at him and took his answer as truth and moved on.  I realized that we took what could have been a bad moment and used it for a learning moment - and then I felt great that I, um, facilitated such a great learning opportunity for my family. :)  I then realized that I am disciplining my kids, quite often mind you, for behaviors and attitudes that they are learning from none other than me.  I get so frustrated that they don't put their shoes in the shoe box - but my shoes are nicely thrown by the chair.  I get irritated when they don't pick up their toys, but the magazine I was reading was left on the floor right where I was reading it last night.  I get angered when Emma doesn't tell me the truth right away, and then I realized I just offered the suggestion of dishonesty as a way to get what I wanted.  I have to look at myself in the mirror and realize what kind of reflection of good virtue and character I am instilling in my children.
The other day it was clean up time.  Luke didn't want to clean up which is no big surprise, and I love his excuses as to why he can't pitch in - they are quite entertaining.  But this day he said, "cleaning up does not make me happy."  Great.  Apparently we are continuing on the mindset of, "if it doesn't make you happy, then just don't do it."  That's gotten my generation really far.  Anyway, as those words tumbled out of his little four year old mouth, I dropped to my knees and looked him in the eye.  "Luke," I said, "I want you to be happy, I really do.  But what I care more about your happiness, is that you are a good person who works hard and loves Jesus.  If I don't teach you that sometimes we have to work hard even when we don't want to - you may be a really happy grown up but you won't be one that anyone really wants to be around."  He understood my words, turned around and began to clean up and was thrilled when I told him he was a hard worker.  As he was cleaning, I wondered if I am an example of hard work.  I work hard, there is no doubt about it, but am I working hard on things that are tangible to my kids?  I don't know, something I suppose I am still chewing on.
My daughter Emma, before leaving the house or her room for that matter, sits in front of her mirror and puts on her "special" make up and perfume.  She likes to find lotion and smell pretty.  When asked why she does this, she will tell you that she learned it from me (which is quite humorous, since I don't often get a chance to even touch my makeup unless I'm pulling it out of the toilet - thank you Lily)  And though that's really sweet, and she's such a pretty little princess, I would much rather have her emulating more virtuous things.  Like reading her bible, or praying or being kind to her brothers and sister.  Does she see me reading my bible, or praying or being kind?  Does she see me being respectful and honoring her dad?  Not this morning, that's for sure.

I was doing school work with Luke and I had asked Dave to watch the other three kids so I could focus on finishing up this workbook with Luke.  Dave, according to him, did not hear that request.  Lily disappeared and was very quiet, so I knew she was up to nothing good.  However Dave was not aware of really anything the other kids were doing because he was preoccupied.  I found Lily, after finishing school with Luke, in our room painting her fingers and toes.  Not with a Sharpie pen, but this time with real purple finger nail polish.  The polish was all over her, the carpet and even some clothes.  Lovely.  Quite honestly,  after that, I had a really hard time this morning being respectful and honorable to Dave.  I'm over it - although, does anyone know how to get fingernail polish out of carpet?
But seriously, what kind of example are you showing your children?  What characteristics and virtues are you reflecting to them?  Is their behavior just a mirror of the behavior you show to them?  Are you being the type of person that you are requiring them to be? 
In 1 Corinthians 11:1 Paul says, "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."  I encourage you today to consider if this is the message that you are not only speaking to your children, but one that you are living out.

Come on kids, Mom doesn't need a heart attack.

As my aunt and I both jumped to grab Lily, saving her from an ER visit, I just stood there holding on for dear life to the walker.  Laughing.  In my own little world, laughing.  I didn't even realize that she had been out of the walker for about a minute before I finally let go.  She decided that she would get into the baby walker (because it's so much more fun when you know how to walk apparently) and go down my mom's deck stairs.  My heart has had enough near heart attacks this week, I think I'm good for awhile.
Then there is Baby Will who, while I was dealing with another kid, climbed up the entire stair case and went into the kids' bathroom upstairs.  He climbed up the kids' little step stools (keep in mind that he is only 10 months old), grabbed a tooth brush and began to brush his four teeth.  Dave found him very proudly practicing good dental hygiene.
Then of course, Luke and his driving excursion the other day.
Thank you Lord that Emma isn't quite the daredevil that the other three are proving to be.
Then of course today, Dave's typical day off, he gets called in.  I would love to go into the emotion I feel regarding that, however I value his job and the provision that comes from it so I will use discretion to the best of my ability.  Our relaxed day quickly went KABOOM!  And we went from 10 mph all morning to a good 125 mph in just minutes.  Within minutes Dave left for work, I had a lady come to play with the kids who comes monthly to help me with preschool stuff, my phone rang with one of my best friends who just had her baby today, two girls knock on my door looking for their lost cat, Lily trying to flush makeup down the toilet (I swear, I should just give up on makeup) and Will climbing in the cupboards.  All. Day. Long.  Today was insane.  So hence, why I just stood there laughing, granted a bit deliriously, when we saved Lily from taking a near catastrophic tumble off my mom's deck...in an infant walker none the less.  Stupid walker.
My house that was spotless last night looks like the land of toys and kid clothes exploded in my living room.  And yet, I'm in a relatively good mood.  Probably, because I have the ability to laugh - even like I said earlier, if it's delirious laughter.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride with my kids that will continue FOREVER.
I mean, my kids push me to the limits every single day, making me step out of my comfy little box and expand my horizons.  For example, cats.  We don't have a fence in our backyard (don't get me started on that one) and we always have cats hanging around.  I hate cats.  Ya, ya, I know they are God's creatures blah blah blah, but I despise them.  They scare me, they make me cringe to have them touch me...I don't like them.  And a stray shows up on our doorstep yesterday and my baby puts his hand in the cat's mouth!  Are you kidding me?  Come on!!!  But, I must admit, after the scary little cat didn't bit Will's hand off I grew a little attached and was sad to see it had left our doorstep this morning.
My adventure in motherhood, in the grand scheme of things, is only beginning.  I'm highly aware of that.  Yet I know that a lot of the times, we just have to hold on and enjoy the ride.  Today, was one of those days.
I don't have any deep spiritual lesson today, simply because my mind could not extract any thing of substance from today.  However - don't be too serious!  Have fun.  Build towers, make train tracks, sing the ABC's on the top of your lungs, dress up like a princess.  Don't allow your kids to drive or off road with a walker, but have fun.  Don't take yourself too serious either - enjoy your kids, enjoy your time with them and be able to laugh.  As maddening as some of the stuff that our kids do is, if you can't laugh you will go crazy!
Tomorrow night, a dear friend I consider my sister, is graduating.  When I first met her, she was turning two - just like Lily.  Tomorrow she ends one adventure to begin another.  The last 16 years of her life have flown by for me.  It still is crazy for me to think that she is almost an adult.  I know that I can't make time slow down, and that there are other times that I wish it would hurry up (like through potty training), but I want to treasure every minute I have with my kids - even when they scare me half to death.  It goes by so fast, and I personally don't want to miss a moment.

Meet my kids...

Luke is four.
He loves Spiderman.  He used to love Thomas the Tank Engine but now that he is four he loves Spiderman.  He used to demand to be called Choo Choo Guy, but now he dresses up as Spiderman daily and we have to refer to him as Spiderman.
Luke tried to drive yesterday, and is still in shock I think.  Luke woke up no less than ten times last night to tell me that he loved me.  Cute.
In the developmental screening today at his 4 year old check up he was asked if he knew a song.  He sang his rendition of the Spiderman theme song.  Fitting.
Emma is four.
Emma is a princess, to the fullest extent of the word.
Emma loves jewelry, makeup (pretend) and fancy dresses.  Emma does not like to leave the house, or even her room without a fancy dress on.
Emma's best friend right now is her 85 year old great grandmother.  If it was up to Emma, she would spend alone time every day for hours on end with Granny.  She thinks she is absolutely fascinating and wonderful.
Emma is very smart, brave and motherly to her brothers and sister.  She is strong willed, stubborn but incredibly gentle and loving.
Emma dressed in a fancy dress, tights, heels and jewelry today for her doctors appointment.  She was quite the little lady saying "thank you" to all the compliments.
Lily is two and a half.
Lily is full of life and energy.
Lily wants to be potty trained - but quite honestly, I just don't have it in me right now.  I really don't like the "training" part of it at all and much prefer them to decide that they just want to be done with diapers.  That's much easier - albeit longer to actually take place than real training.
Lily is the loudest human being on the face of the planet and causes the police to be called because she disturbs our neighbors peace with her loudness.
Lily knows what she wants, and she usually gets it.
Today Lily...wait, nevermind - no one wants to hear about poopy diapers and two year olds taking them off before their mothers get to them.
Will is 10 months old.
Will is proving himself to be quite the contender for being the handful of the family.
He started his life out with fighting for his health in the NICU for two weeks, and now he throws himself on his siblings to wrestle them to the ground - smiling the entire time.  He already climbs on the table, in cupboards, up stairs.  But his disposition is wonderful, and he is easy going and it doesn't take much to please him.
Today due to the prodding of his sisters and brother he stuck his hand in the mouth of a stray cat that found itself at our back door.  His sisters and brother were laughing hysterically and then he too thought he was quite impressive with his feat of bravery.
I know I am in for it with Will.  Bring it on.
Those are my kids.  Those are the kids I prayed for, longed for, hoped for.  Those are the kids that exhaust me and challenge me daily.  Those are the kids that God chose for Dave and me.
With preschoolers driving cars, toddlers and poop, babies and stray animals and princesses that require a wardrobe - I love my life.
I am so glad I'm a mommy.

Lesson of the day: 4 year olds should not drive!

At 4:45 this morning, my son Luke woke me up.  "Good morning Mommy!  It's wake up time!  The sun is awake!"  I quickly pulled him into my bed and nestled him between Dave and me.  For the next two hours I fought with him to go back to sleep, which was a losing battle, since all he could see was the sun beckoning him to play outside.  I laid there in bed, frustrated that I was once again losing precious sleep which lately I have really been feeling the effects of.  I thought to myself about how I would blog on how frustrated and even resentful I become when I lose sleep night after night after night.  But eventually, we all emerged from bed and I knew it would be a good day despite my incredible lack of sleep.  I got a shower (which is always a landmark moment), we went to the store to buy a darkening shade for Luke's room:), and we were on our way to the park after a quick pit stop at my mom's to say hi.

The kids were so excited to go to the park, so the three oldest ran outside while I got Will ready and was pushing my mom's wheelchair back to her (since my kids always move it to the other end of her house.)  Then I heard crying.  I went outside to find my van no longer in my mom's driveway but parallel parked across the street, Luke crying in the middle of the road holding his leg and the girls standing by him telling me that he got hit by the van.  I was confused, and shocked, and in disbelief of what I was seeing.  I ran to my van and there I found it in neutral with the key just turned enough to turn the battery on.  I quickly turned it off, demanded that the girls get back inside my mom's house and turned my attention to Luke.  I could tell that he was a bit in shock and he refused to walk, so we headed to the ER.  I was amazingly calm.  I knew nothing was broken - or at least I assumed, since he wasn't uncontrollably crying.  After about three hours, two x-rays and the story being told by Luke about ten times we were able to come home.  His leg was cut and bruised, his face was scratched up, his tummy and chest have some scratches, his ear is black and blue behind it and on his shoulder blade he has some scratches.  All in all, pretty miraculous outcome for Luke.  We got home, I put all four kids to nap and then fell asleep myself out of pure exhaustion.
About an hour later, I woke up and began to replay what had happened this morning.  And then the reality of what could have happened this morning hit me. 
I was so frustrated this morning because my kids were out of bed all night last night.  I was so irritated that they not only took all my energy during the day but they also took every last ounce of energy I had left while I should have been sleeping.  And yet, in a matter of seconds I could have lost three of my four beautiful, wonderful, precious children.  Luke was in the driver seat and the girls were in the passenger seat - and then he turned the car on.  If he had turned the car on seconds sooner, the car could have rolled right over the girls.  Luke jumped out and got skinned by the car, but had he jumped out a second sooner, the car could have rolled right over him.  In a matter of seconds, my entire life could have changed forever.and I would have been aching for a lack of sleep caused by my full of life kids.
I know that in a couple of days when the shock of all this has dissipated a bit,  especially since Luke didn't get injured severely, I will be grumpy about not sleeping again.  But I will be keeping this day in the forefront of my memory bank so I can revisit my emotion and keep perspective on being a mom.  Being a good mom is hard work.  Being patient and kind, loving and gentle at all times can sometimes feel impossible.  Sometimes, especially on those nights when I am lacking any quantifiable amounts of sleep, being a mom can seem like a real lack luster thankless job.
But today I was reminded that I am so blessed to be a mom.  I am so blessed to have four amazing children who are full of life and curiosity.  I am so blessed that tonight I got to tuck in four healthy kids. 
If you are discouraged today as you are reading this, please know you are so amazingly fortunate to be a mommy to your children.  It's easy to lose perspective when you haven't had much of a break in who knows how long and your kids seem like they have forgotten all manners and good virtues you have instilled in them.  But you are blessed!  In Psalm 127:3 it says, "Don't you see that children are God's best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?"
Don't lose heart - hang in there.  Today will be seared in my family's mind forever and I'm thankful it all turned out the way it did, but it was a pretty horrible morning.  However, I needed the perspective that it offered.  And now, I am going to sleep.

Please, please like me!!!

I was fifteen, standing in line at the door of my history class waiting anxiously for the bell to ring.  Of course the girl who had no ability to be kind or respectful, yet was very popular (I'm sure for that very reason), was standing right by me.  The cool sandals at the time were Dr. Martens.  It seemed like EVERYONE had a pair, yet I knew there was no way my mom would spend a hundred bucks on a pair nor did I have the nerve to even ask.  But my mom did buy me some Colorado sandals, that looked almost identical, but for half the price.
Are you all keeping up with the shoe story so far?
I was so excited to wear them to school that day and actually had received a ton of compliments on them before the history class.  As I was standing there, Ms. Popular looks down and sees my shoes and in her total coolness that defined her she said, "Where did you get those?  Goodwill?"  She laughed and the girls who followed her mindlessly snickered along with her.  I was so hurt.  All of the compliments were erased from my mind and filled with the six words of that girl.
Oh, but the story gets better.
The next day I found myself lined up at the door again waiting anxiously for the bell to ring.  And of course Ms. Popular was standing right by me.  I looked down at her shoes and much to my surprise, she was wearing the same shoes I had on the day before.  The avoider of conflict that I tend to be went right out of the window and I looked at her and said, "Where did you get those shoes *@#$"  Not my most Christ like moment in my life, but I felt justified.  I never cussed so it was a huge deal that I "stood up" to her - however, she spoke like a sailor so it had no effect on her.
That moment, obviously, has stuck with me for 14 years.  Melissa, move on already.  But here's the thing...
Don't we want people to like us?  Every person wants to be accepted and liked - whether or not we admit it.  I think some of us are just more comfortable with the reality that not every single person likes us more than others.  Those people tend to be the confident, go getters, because they aren't paralyzed by the "what if's" of acceptance that so many people are paralyzed by.  But even those people, yes even those people, still want people to like them.
When I was doing public speaking and traveling with the company talking to parents of drug addicted teens I met so many parents that were "people pleasers."  They parented from the need to be liked and accepted by their children.  I didn't understand in the least how monumental of an issue that was to get over back when I was nineteen, but now that I am a parent I understand it a bit more.
About two weeks ago after telling Luke that his birthday party was not going to be that day but in three more days, he declared that he hated me.  I know that Luke didn't understand what that really meant, but he was frustrated and that was the only way he could communicate it.  I calmly sent him to his room and with door shut, he screamed over and over again, "I hate Mommy! I hate Mommy!"  I stood outside of his room hearing those words, and my heart was hurting.  "Come on Melissa, he's not even four yet.  You know that he doesn't get it, don't let this hurt you," I thought to myself.  So, I took a deep breath and walked downstairs.  I got the other three kids ready to leave, shoes tied and buckled in their car seats.  Luke came downstairs where he found his shoes sitting on the step.  He doesn't know how to put his own shoes on yet and was very angry that I didn't put his shoes on for him.  He ran to the car where the four of us were all waiting for him.  He asked me, with tears in his eyes why I didn't put his shoes on.  I didn't respond.  He climbed into his car seat and waited for me to buckle him in.  I didn't.  He began to scream, "Buckle me in!  You need to buckle me in!"  I didn't respond.  He walked to the front of the van with tears streaming down his face and asked me why I wasn't buckling him in.  As calmly as I have ever spoken, I looked at him and said, "You told me you hated me.  God says that when we say we hate someone, we are really saying that we wish they were dead.  If I wasn't alive, you would have to buckle your own seat belt."  I could see on his face my words penetrating his little four year old heart.  He said, "I'm sorry Mama.  I don't want you to be sick, I don't want you to not be alive.  I love you.  I don't hate you, I'm sorry for saying those bad words."  And he proceeded to fall into my arms and we hugged for about two minutes.  Those ten minutes drained me emotionally - and I'm sure that moment will stay seared in my memory much longer than 14 years.
But really, who do we need approval from?  Our friends?  Our family?  Our kids?  Our spouses?  People we don't even know?  Sometimes we can get so caught up in other people's approval, that we forget whose approval really matters.  In Galatians 1:10 it says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
This verse has been at the forefront of my mind this week as I started the page for this blog.  I even saw on Facebook where people started liking "I'm not feeling very happy today.  Please 'like' me so I can feel better about myself."  Isn't that so true?!  I know that not everyone is going to like me, and not everyone is going to agree with my blog and what I write often times - but I am going to write what I feel is true and right and what I believe God has laid on my heart to write about, regardless of what people might think or if they will like me after they read it.  Because in the end, God's approval of me is what truly matters., and God's approval of you is what should matter to you in the grand scheme of it all.
Since that incident with the shoes 14 years ago, I have owned quite a few pairs of Dr. Martens - and surprisingly, no one has really complimented me on them.  And even more shocking, people's opinions on my shoes don't matter to me anymore.  And I'm learning, to the best of my ability to adopt the statement spoken by my friend Lisa Whittle, "Like me or not, I just pray that you cannot deny the presence of God in my life."  Slowly but surely I will get there...