Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mommy Guilt...

I took the twins to their first eye appointment today.  They both had a rough time with the four year old screening at their yearly checkup and so today would be the verdict on what their eyes were really doing.

Emma's eyes were great.  Thank you Lord.

Luke on the other hand, his close vision (as you can tell, I know lots about eyes and the medical terms) was fine, but according to the doctor his vision for distance was pretty bad.  And she said it will only get worse, with every growth spurt that happens.  Fabulous.

We finished up with the exam and went to try on glasses.  When we had first arrived he was looking at all the glasses excited about getting some (if in case that happened) but when it was time for him to pick out a real pair he was not thrilled.  He tried on every pair and kept scrunching up his little nose and I could see the disappointment he was fighting written all over his precious face.  I encouraged him that these glasses would give him super hero vision and girls were going to think he was so handsome.

He kept responding with, "Those look weird.  Those look dumb."  WHAT?!?!?!?

"NO THEY DO NOT LUKE DAVID!  You look so handsome in those glasses - everyone is going to want a pair of glasses like those because you look so cool with them."  I was doing my best mommy job in encouraging him through it.  Finally, he accepted it, picked out a pair and we began to leave.

And I was almost in tears.

I feel so guilty.  My poor baby has not been able to see for four years.  This is my fault.  I could have prevented this.

Ok, Melissa get a grip on yourself - right now.  SOOO ridiculous!

What is up with this stupid mommy guilt?  I am not the giver and taker of health.  I didn't make his eyes, I didn't cause his vision to be poor for distance.  Yet I take the burden COMPLETELY on my shoulders.

Do you find yourself doing that with your own children?  Isn't mommy guilt horrible?  See the thing about mommy guilt is that it is based in la la land and nowhere in reality.  Although most of us would readily admit that we are nowhere close to being super moms, for some reason we expect ourselves to be and beat ourselves up over it if we aren't.  We think that everything, from health to height from brilliance to athleticism is something that we have complete and total control over.  I can't even control my own health - but for some reason I think I should be able to do that for my children.

When Will was born he aspirated amniotic fluid as they were delivering him.  He spent two weeks in the NICU (The longest two weeks of my ENTIRE life) and for the two weeks he was in there and for the last 11 months I have struggled with guilt over the whole thing.  He's the stinker that took the breath too soon.  He just couldn't wait to be born - it was totally not my fault.  I was just laying there (I had a c-section, obviously) but I have blamed myself over it...pretty much every time it comes to mind.

I have found myself holding me accountable for things that are totally and completely beyond my control.  I am a bit of a control freak; I like to have things planned and am not a big fan of surprises.  And I am learning, a lot lately that my kids really belong to the Lord and the only thing that I should hold myself accountable for (other than meeting basic needs) is what Proverbs 22:6 says, "Point your kids in the right direction - when they're old they won't be lost."

So, I am responsible for the training that Luke and Emma receive, not their health!  I am responsible for guiding them gently down the path of righteousness, and not their eye sight!  I am responsible for imparting good manners and virtues that matter - not how athletic or tall they are.

I really need to try to keep that in perspective.  I need to keep reminding myself of the truth that God is the one who has ultimate control over their little lives that are so precious to me...but with that said and the knowledge of that at the forefront of my mind - I know I will continue feeling unrealistically guilty about it for at least a couple more days.  Darn that mommy guilt!


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